So most of you that know me well thought that I had been single, more or less, for the past year and 8 months. Well the truth is, I lied. The truth is that I have fallen in love and am not sure what do to do about our status as my imminent return to the States becomes evermore present. At first I was sure it was lust. I thought it was all about the excitement of our new experiences shared together, puppy love on steroids only further enhanced by great weather, enchanting nights out and enough possibilities that one can't help but feel overwhelmed. It, like all relationships, has had its ups and downs. There have been lulls where it seemed like we both needed some change, but those few moments have been staggeringly outweighed by the times that my life could not possibly have felt better than in that present moment, the two of us together. At some point years ago, my Mom told me that if a love is meant to be, that it will always be there. If two are truly destined by the gods, that they will inevitably be drawn back together. If the love is fleeting, than both will go off their separate ways. The hopeless romantic that I am, I can only hope that these fairytale endings really happen in our present world. I can't say that I hope for one result and not the other, only that I hope for the result which leads to my utmost happiness. Its painful to think of leaving her, we've been together almost two years now, so many amazing memories and now that I'm leaving, all the bad ones...wait, were there really any bad ones? But isn't this way it always go, once things come to an end, if there is any doubt, only to good memories come to mind? Now I can't help but think that maybe I took her for granted a little too much, that maybe had I put a little more in that I would have gotten back what was necessary to stay together. I feel like I did my best to show my love. I feel like I was cognizant of how special our situation was. But I can't help but wonder, hope, despair, lament, or be grateful for everything that was, is and will or won't be in the future. Is it possiblee that this is really it? Just like that its over, we say our goodbyes and go off in search of somebody else. Im not even sure anybody else could make me feel this way, will I ever get back that feeling that we had? I feel like I want to vomit, no seriously. Constantly on my mind, whether consciously or not. But this is what love does to us, it makes all crazy. We lose sight of reality, we blur the past, we cloud the future. But the decision has been made, on June 26th I will catch my flight to New York. At this point that is about the only thing that I am sure of. On June 26th, whether forever or not, Barcelona,Spain and I will break up.

I think that change is inevitable and I think that change is good. I think it is when we grow the most, whether we want to or not. Just because we grow however, does not mean that it is an easy thing to do or enjoyable experience. Ever since my realization that I have a date to be home by occurred, I started experiencing my own growing pains. I've done my best to enjoy exactly what I have in exactly this moment, but it has been a challenge knowing that I won't have what I have now in a matter of months. I've referred to home, or the idea of it, in a few of my posts. And as I've mentioned, I've felt at home here basically since I came. I think our home is basically that place which allows you to be you, without worrying about fitting an image or achieving some standard. It is where you find peace with your present situation and are allowed to follow the path in which you are best-suited. Barcelona has been my home and what Im soon to find out when I get back to the States is where my home will reside in the near future. I feel like a few months outside of my glass box will be a good eexperience, however painful it might be. Whether I decide that I really am fulfilled here or simply enjoying the ease and comfort with which I live my life, doesn't matter. What matters is that I see it for what it is and thus will be ready to choose my next step.

So what's on the platter you ask? To start, I'm headed back to Calistoga and to my house where I'll live with my Mom. Maybe a few months maybe more, maybe less, I really don't know right now. I think I'll look for a job as a server in a nice restaurant or maybe work in a winery and am willing to work a lot in hopes of saving some money. Afterwards, well thats the thing, I dont know the next chapter yet. The way I see it, there are a few options. For one, I've applied through the Spanish government to teach English here, somewhere in Spain. I'm not sure where I would go, but regardless, if given the job would make very strong considerations in returning. I would be working 12-15 hours per week and making 700 euros per month, which would be very good pay for the amount of time worked. With my extra time, I would find another job (hopefully, depending on where I went) and actually save some euros. It would be a solid option both according to something that would be really enjoyable as well as make financial sense. Another idea would be to possibly move to San Francisco. If, while home, I decide that I'm ready, I could look for a job and see if I find something that both interests me and pays the bills. Maybe I'd look into grad school, maybe I'd find a job in a field related to either physical therapy, kinesiology, exercise science, etc. If I do decide to go to grad school, it would most likely be after having gotten a years' worth of experience under my belt and re-acclimated myself to 'the system.' Another avenue would be to take whatever money I save at home and move to South America and most likely, Buenos Aires, Argentina. I have a number of friends from the area and I think that if I invested my effort, I would be able to find a job to support myself. The issue of not having legal papers is not as big a deal as it is here in Spain, and it would be a new experience in a new city that I have heard only great things about. The pay is not as good as here in Barcelona, but if I moved there, it wouldnt necessarily be forever. I would be able to continue with my Spanish and would no doubt have yet another incredible adventure. If things don't work out, if I don't like it, if I don't find a job, whatever the case may be, I'd come home knowing that I gave it my best and wouldn't be left wondering 'what-if.' In a nutshell, The Barcelona Experiment version 2.0. Also on the agenda would be finding a cause that I would like to volunteer my time for. I would go to Central or South America, speak Spanish and give my time for something bigger than myself (sorry for the lame cliche). I love animals, I love nature. I think I would like to do something related to forest or species preservation. Its possible that I would go in another direction, but this is what I'm thinking at the moment anyway.

Oh yeah, and I'm broke. To any of you whom are thinking, 'Wow, those sound great, I wish I could do that.' Now ask yourseelf, are you comfortable with a lack of financial stability? Are you comfortable not knowing where you will live in 6 months time? Would you trade all that you have to have the experiences that I've had and the freedom to choose what to do next? My freedom does come with a price. I don't have money to fall back on, I don't have a house or a car or furniture. In fact, pretty much all I have aside from amazing friends and family are the experiences that have made me who I am today and my time. I assure you, I worry about money matters, I would like to have a family one day, I would like to have a house, a car, furniture. But right now, I've decided that these things are not the most important thing to me. I have chosen my freedom and with that, the lack of real responsibility that comes with it, in favor of the comfort of seeing my resume and bank account continue to grow. If you are still on the same page as me, if you are willing to make that sacrifice, than why haven't you?

'Time is money, ' that's what they say anyway. Has anybody conisidered that maybe time is more valuable than that? Today I am 26 years old, 3 months, and 12 days old. This is the only instance that I will have today, at no other point will I be able to come back to where I am now. There is no amount of money that I could make that will buy me back my day and my life today. Maybe if I could I would save today, and give it to myself in the future, but I can't. Time is not money, time is more valuable than money and I would not trade the life I have for money in the future. I have come to terms with this idea. I am willing to live this period of my life without money with the hopes that down the road, when things that require money arrive, the money will come. Sounds naive, yes, but I am willing to make that gamble. Because for me, my youth and freedom is the most valuable thing that I have and therefore I do not regret investing my time in this pursuit. For many, however, and I'm not saying I'm right and everybody else is wrong, this is not the case.

Which brings me to my immediate future and a factor as to why I'll come home broke. I'll be done here at the hostel as of the first of June and will shortly after catch a plane to Athens on the 4th. The plan is to soak up a little culture and a lot of sun on the Greek Islands and then make my way up to Croatia. I really wanted to visit Finland, but both financial and logistical reasons made it impossible. Trust me, Im not complaining, in fact I'm really looking forward to both Greece and Croatia. Two places that during my time as a hostel receptionist have continually been urged to visit. I'm also hoping that my Greek friend Kostas will be able to accompany me to act as both official translator and tour guide, at least for my time spent in Greece. I really don't feel like expressing HOW excited I am, suffice to say that I am very ready to see the two.

So where does that leave us? So many questions, so few answers. It will be a time of growing pains and lifelong memories. It is a time of instability and freedom. I've come to yet another metaphorical fork in the road and I can only hope that I am true to myself and capable of making the next chapter as enjoyable as the previous. In the meantime, I will try to breathe in deeply and let the moment permeate my lungs, such incredible moments these are.