Everything Changes, Everything Stays The Same
Isn't this an interesting concept? On first glance, this appears to be an oxymoron, but as time goes on (which is all it does), this idea seems to nudge its way into my path frequently. Both parts are inherently wrong of course, but there is a truth to it that can´t be denied. I guess this thought has crept into my head most recently because a few people that I have became good friends with, have left me. The longer I stay, the more people I meet, the more people that leave me. Constant change, just like always.
Sometimes when people leave, you never think about them again. They made their mark on your life, there is no doubt in that, the footprint is there whether you'd like it to be or not. But they are not integral to the person that you will become. And sometimes when people leave, you are left with a moment of complete shock-like wow, I will really miss this person a lot. It leaves an initial emptiness, but in time, you will meet more people and make new memories and in some way try to fill that void. But as much as you may try to kick some dirt over the hole, it will always be there and those memories will always belong to the two of you. Nobody else will ever fill your holes for you and its just as good that this is the case. And in these initial moments post-departure, you may find yourself surprised by what comes to mind. You may find thoughts and feelings that you never knew existed, that didn't exist until now, or that you knew existed and did your best to cover up. It can be a tough task to figure out from which well these emotions came, but once that person has left, there isn't much to be done about it-it is what it is. So is it better to know of a pending departure and invest energy into finding how you feel, or is it better to deal with whatever it is (and remember, it may be nothing, a fleeting glimpse) once it has happened? I have always tried to be true with myself, but in these moments I find myself questioning whether or not I could have been more open with myself. Why do I feel differently now that the person has gone? Did I ever appreciate them fully? There are no guarantees in either friendships or relationships and all will end someday. What a depressing notion. This being the case, we are left trying to find the things that are true and lasting. So what can be done? A common theme in what I have written is the necessity to live the moment. Like a shooting star, life can only be truly enjoyed the moment it occurs. I think this all that can be done; enjoy the time with those that make you happy, that give you lasting memories, and that help you to figure out something about yourself, the world, whatever it may be. These are the real moments and are the only moments that really matter.
So now as I remember my friends that have left me, I look forward to those that are just around the corner. I look forward to the memories that I have yet to make, but am cautious not to fill my holes with the dirt of others. As my experiences become memories, the only thing Im sure of is that everything will change and by doing so, everything will remain the same.
posted by Derek at 9:32 AM
5 Comments:
flegality- I had a fairly lengthy and intellectual response to your latest blog, but I forgot to send it and someone fuckin Xed out of it last night. So I'm not really in a mood to repeat my genius comments but Ill try to sum it up.
This idea that everything changes and everything stays the same is something that I have thought about for a long time. I think it began after reading Siddhartha five or so years ago. The metaphor of the river is the best analogy I can think of.
The quandry of friends/lovers/places leaving us or moving on from them is tough. But as we get older an have more experiences, we realize that just as one leaves, another one comes. And it has the potential to be just as great of an experience that the last one.
Every person and place is made up of so many different parts and are so unique from every other, and the way we relate anbd interact with them can create so many different emotions. Who knows what kind of persoinality and history and lens of life the next person or place will possess. I guess thats why people love to meet new people and go to new places. And what also makes the end of a good relationship tolerable--the opportunity to have another one of an entirely different kind.
Not sure if any of that makes sense, but i know the previous draft was much more clear and well though-out.
gooooooooooo boooolllllllllltsssss!
adeu
ps-im listening to the "new" elliott smith album "new moon". It has 2 cd's full of previously unreleased tracks.
im fully converted. we can be friends now
8:17 PM
Im glad to see that for once, we agree on something, the go boltzzz, that is. Good comment william, bien hecho tio.
2:22 AM
D-- you're more than just a meal ticket that I'm getting by marrying your brother and riding on your coattails of future writing fame or drunken infamy (depending on how much trouble you manage to get yourself into or out of) You're proving to be a wonderful pair of eyes that roll around the world like big sticky marbles picking up everything in their path and laying down a stream of entertaining and thought-provoking words.
Thanks for sharing!
Now go write more, meal ticket!
Sil
11:23 PM
(here goes my lengthy and tangential response…)
May 15th feels like a very long time ago, doesn’t it? It’s June now. Like one of those hangovers that doesn’t hit until midday, so much hit me today. I was jogging through my old Ohio neighborhood and listening to the songs I hadn’t heard since my daily walks through Barcelona. It was obviously all so out of place—like the beat in my ears and the beat in my heart just couldn’t sync up. Then the last song we heard in Barcelona at that electric concert venue found its way through my headphones. The memories were so visceral, immediate and real that I literally thought I might lose my lunch. I sat myself down on the curb and cradled my head between my knees for a good three minutes. When I finally looked up, I realized that half of Sunday-afternoon Suburbia was whispering whether or not that girl was okay.
I got up, denying them the relief of the nervous smile that they were all waiting for. A tad dramatic, maybe, but my head was too busy to care. I wondered why we were all preparing ourselves for the ‘real world.’ So that we can save up our money for a suburban house and, if we’re lucky, retire at 60, too tired to do the things we all wanted to do in our 20s and 30s? Now, I’m not cynical enough to believe that that’s all work and life is in the US, but looking around today, I did have to wonder. I mean, I had had an amazing day watching movies with my family, playing with the dogs, laughing…but I missed the anonymity, freedom, and, oddly enough, the privacy that can only come from walking the crowded streets of a bustling city. With those peeking heads popping out of windows to spy on me from pristine streets with names like “Live Oak Road” and “Greenville Lane”, I questioned the purpose of suburban monotony. The tangents in my head ranged from politics to economics to whatever. But I snuffed out those thoughts and came back to Barcelona.
I guess it’s natural to romanticize a place once you’ve left it. I’m sure that once I leave Ohio for the bustling streets of Manhattan I’ll daydream about the green and lush Ohio landscape, the wide open skies, my family’s inside jokes… I have similar fantasies about sitting on the porch and drinking forties with my host brother in Mexico; about dancing salsa and gazing the Rocky Mountains from a rooftop bar in Boulder, Colorado; about hitchhiking through Belize with a good friend of mine; about second-hand shopping for records and books on brisk Berlin mornings; about walking through Gaudi streets and looking into the eyes of someone who finally understood me in my Mediterranean home away from home, someone who made me feel freer and happier than I already was. I have pictures of all these places. They’re sitting in a pile on my childhood desk. The pictures are beautiful, but the only purpose they really serve is to remind my memory of the people who bring the memories of that place to life, the people who helped me become me, despite my stubborn insistence that I would do all my growing independently of anyone else.
I’m anxiously and excitedly awaiting my next move. But I still have a lump in my throat thinking about my last one. I will always wonder what I could have done. I will always imagine what I could have said. And somehow I will always find where I need to be.
Everything changes.
Everything stays the same.
8:15 PM
I really enjoyed reading this one Mr. D
9:06 PM
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